Prompted poetry: stars

NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) may be over, but I’m still in a writing groove. This is the second draft of a poem I wrote a couple weeks ago; I’d love to have hear your responses or suggestions.

Stars

he said he would die
for the stars in her eyes
too young to know what
a slow death it would be

death by taxes and bills
ten-hour workdays and one
a.m. feedings     death by weddings
funerals and family reunions

emptied through that lengthy
dying we call life
his last breath is a prayer
for the stars in her eyes

(If you like to work from specifics, how does the space in the third line of the second stanza work? I originally had a semi-colon; do you think that would be better?)

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3 responses to “Prompted poetry: stars

  1. I was confused by the space at first, but now I quite like the idea. It makes you take a breath before continuing reading. Or was there a different reason for the space?

    • It’s supposed to be a break, like a breath, so I’m glad it worked that way. But it’s not supposed to be confusing. Maybe it would it be less confusing if it were a comma instead (that would make it more clearly a continuation of the list). Or I could use an em-dash — a long dash with spaces on each side. Thanks so much for commenting. I really appreciate your feedback! 🙂

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